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08-21-17 05:46 PM
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Main - Serious discussion - Self loathing and paranoia New reply


Sammy
Posted on 07-31-17 07:07 PM Link | #85424
The past year has been... really difficult for me, to say the least. A lot of things have happened that have shown me a lot about myself and how I'm perceived, and often times I sit back and think "How the fuck did I get here?"

I'll start with online related stuff because man oh man did I screw up. I used to be part of another romhacking community that I won't name (I don't want people stalking me here), for over three years, but I've managed to become a complete outcast there. I was banned, unbanned, and banned again, and now I'm hated by most of the userbase. I'm nothing but a joke to them, and I even turned some of my friends against me with my overdramatic and toxic behavior.

I would overdramaticize things, perceive any form of criticism about myself (or even some jokes) as an attack, and was just an oversensitive little bitch in general. So yeah, its no surprise they hate me, but the trouble is, I do have friends from there, and in the months that followed after the second ban I still talked to them. But it got to the point where I felt like I was living in the past by trying to be a part of the community even to a small extent, so I removed everyone and tried to move on... but that failed, so I added people again, but then I snapped back to my senses and removed them again, and this pattern has happened at least five time.

Currently I've cut them all off and I plan to keep it that way because I'm always happier when I cut myself off from that community. To an extent I've even quit hacking the game the community is based around and I'm gonna try and move onto something else like NSMB2.

Now if you're confused about my erratic behavior online, maybe my IRL issues will make that stuff make more sense.

In all honesty, throughout high school I've been kind of a bully to some people, but I didn't realize it until long after the fact. Going into Junior year now, I'm afraid of what's to come in that sense, but I'm kinda freaking out for reasons I'll get to later.

This all started in freshman year when a girl I knew named Abby screwed me out of turning a screenplay I wrote for a class (that she was also a part of) into a movie produced by the school. I became increasingly critical of her script (which was garbage but that's beside the point) and I would criticize her whenever she acted really controlling or otherwise acted really out of line. My timing was really bad, however, as I was giving her all this extremely harsh criticism while her dad was in the ER (unbeknownst to me, of course).

Now, for the record, I firmly believe that she is a pathological liar and a terrible person in general based on other experiences with her, but none of my behavior was excusable by any means, and it almost got me kicked out of school. But it didn't stop there. I was an ass to a number if other people that pissed me off, and just like online I became somewhat of a living joke among people.

But that's just the tip of the iceberg! Sophomore year beat me to a pulp and dragged my corpse to the finish line incredibly slowly.

For starters, my parents took me off my ADD medication out of an irrational fear of me developing a dependency on the medication, so my frequent online outbursts started because of this, and real life became ten times more stressful. One month into school, depression episodes started to kick in, regarding my grades, surroundings, lack of a girlfriend, etc, and no one around me was helping. One particular couple made PDA's at least five times a DAY, my friend began dating that girl I mentioned earlier (who I used to have a crush on), and everybody looked like they were having the time of their lives while I was stuck in a rut with no way of getting out.

What became a pressing issue during this time was how incredibly incompetent and pretentious my school staff were. I live in Portland Oregon at the moment, and its basically hipster central. I've been going to a school run by hippies for two years because it looked like a "good fit" for me at the time, but their approach to teaching and pretty much everything else wrong with the school made the last two years a complete failure. I passed freshman year fine, but I feel like I barely passed sophomore year (even though my grades were still decent) due to the ridiculous amount of stress I was under.

You know what else contributed to that stress? My dumbass high school "friends." My best friend/ex girlfriend turned out to be a borderline emotionally abusive bitch, one of my friends I had to fake most of the friendship with, and I constantly pissed off my actual best friend by my occasionally insensitive behavior. I eventually decided to cut off contact with everybody from high school because I either hated their guts or felt like they were better off without me. I've since gotten back in touch with some of them but I don't talk to them nearly as much as my other friends.

Now, this may all seem bad, but here's the part that makes all of this five times worse. My family and I have considered moving for a long time, but after a certain string of events, we finally made the decision to move away in March. I'll be attending school in Massachusetts or Rhode Island (dunno what school I'm going to yet because we were late in the game when we decided to move) in a month from now and I'm getting the opportunity to press the reset button on my entire life.

Why am I saying this? Because I'm afraid I'm going to fuck everything up and be the same asshole I've always been when I move. I want to change, but all my attempts at change have failed, and anyone from that hacking community I was a part of can attest to that.

One last thing before I end this massive ramble, and I know this is gonna seem petty but this is a big deal to me: Now, I'm a big fan of anime, and sometimes I fall into one too many of the weeaboo tropes. People at school would constantly joke about me being a weeb, how I fap to anime, and how I probably have a body pillow at home (I don't. Shocker, right?). While most of this was silly in-jest fun, some people took it too far and I've become very sensitive about it. I eventually came to the decision to conceal my interest in anime completely when I move.

You might be thinking this was a split second decision I made in a bad mood, and you're right, but I've stuck with the idea for months now. I don't want people giving me weird looks or assuming I'm a pedophile for liking anime. Sounds farfetched to most, but to me its a legitimate fear I have.

So yeah that's the end of my massive ramble. Congratulations if you read the whole thing. So yeah, this is where I'm at and I don't know what to do, I'd really like some advice if you guys have any.

gridatttack
Posted on 08-01-17 12:57 AM (rev. 2 of 08-01-17 10:59 AM) Link | #85435
Wow, so that was a lot to take, so I apologize if what I'm about to write below seems messy/unorganized.

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So, where to start; I think that on why someone ends bullying other people is due to the frustration that one has 'accumulated' due to bad experiences. If that's the case, you can try releasing it up by doing something else in order to release the frustration or just a change of mind. Problem here is, that finding what to do is the hard part, so I'm afraid I can't give more advice here.

I'm not sure why your parents decided to stop giving your medication. I think that their reasoning behind that is not enough; they should actually consult that with a doctor, because from past experiences, people your age actually needs them the most, as when one is older, one actually starts maturing mentally too, in which then one can actually looks at things with a broader perspective.

Now, for the next part, I can't stress enough how one shouldn't fall prey to social pressure (i.e. no girlfriend) because if one rush things out, it might not end well, and rushed things are generally bad (regarding the girlfriend thing, you might not know if said person could later harm you mentally in the end due to rushing in a relationship without knowing the person enough)

Regarding the whole school thing issue, yes, school is (for the most part) BS. This is mainly due to the age in which people haven't matured mentally (which I'm ghaving toruble ATM trying to explain, but long story short, most people tend to be pricks due to having an abnormal background when growing up/being spoiled)

What I recommend here is, there's always someone you might get along, and if you manage to find said person, befriend them, as getting along with someone will relieve the pressure that school induces (I think this can be resumed to make friends, and mind you, they don't have to be a bunch; quality over quantity).

Regarding liking anime and other stuff, I agree. I strongly recommend this. This happened to me too because I kept playing 'Nintendo' games, which people at school said they were childish (because they thought they were the best having all the latest shit like FIFA and other trendy games). This is due to, again, people this age being spoiled/pricks thinking making fun of others will somehow make them a better person by hiding their insecurities in such acts. But don't worry, after school, (such as university) people won't be such pricks and general, most people won't judge you or won't make fun of you for liking anime.

Now, for the final part regarding you feeling that you won't improve, don't think that way. You might have failed before, but I'm sure you got experience as what not to do (as you have explained) and also that you want to seek help by posting this here. I feel that one important thing here is that one must create consciousness that you don't want to repeat such experiences again, so keep in mind this all the time, and when you feel you're falling again, remember that. Try to tap on your determination, since you're the one that holds the key to improve your life.

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So I think I finished writing my little advice. I apologize if it's messy or some parts looks cut off.

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[image] [image]

poudink
Posted on 08-01-17 01:37 AM Link | #85437
Talk with your parents to get your medication back.

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Nothing to say, so jadnjkfmnjamnfjkldnajfnjkanfjdksan jsdnvj m.

[insert quote here]

Sammy
Posted on 08-01-17 11:08 AM Link | #85442
@Gridattack: The reason they stopped had to do with some bad family experiences, so I understand that reasoning even though I think they were being stubborn. I'll start taking meds again when school starts though.

I gave in to social pressure when it came to my first girlfriend and it didn't feel great, but every time I chose to not give in to social pressure I would feel even shittier later on, so I dunno. Unless people are trying to get me to do drugs or something otherwise harmful then I really don't mind following the leader in a way.

I'll likely be attending boarding school next year so with any luck I'll be surrounded by people like me who also want to live their education and aren't just at school because they're legally obligated.

I'm gonna do my best to improve so hopefully that works out. Thanks for both of your posts!

Gamer Boy
Posted on 08-02-17 06:10 PM Link | #85568
Only thing in terms of anime that I've watched so far is Dragon Ball Z, which is pretty good stuff, in my opinion at least. Don't really know if that's relevant, just throwing it out there.

I also don't have much in terms of advice, but I'm wishing you the best of luck. :)

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Sammy
Posted on 08-03-17 12:34 PM Link | #85613
Thanks a bunch my guy!

LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 08-06-17 04:41 PM Link | #85810
I don't know you too much in this community, but you're welcome here and I don't find you unpleasant.

It's fine being sensitive but I don't want you rejecting Nintendo games because people think they're childish. On another note, that attitude has got to stop one day and it's not even well-thought out as Nintendo has supported things like Bayonetta 2, Metroid, The Legend of Zelda. Those people who call Nintendo childish are insecure themselves because they have a distorted view of what being "grown-up" is like and they *think* playing Nintendo games is not being grown-up, but they don't realize how illogical that is. To be honest, a big portion of kids also play the "mature" games and watch "mature" shows and they don't find a least bit ironic that a big amount of those games' bases are composed of kids like them too and don't realize that on the contrary, Nintendo games also have a significant adult portion enjoying the games. It goes both ways. That's me rambling about Nintendo games.

About anime, I also think that "weeb" attitude has got to stop. It's stereotyping to say the least. But it's the same thing; insecure people judging others because they have insecurities on their preferences, so perhaps they're projecting them. You'll have to keep that in mind. They're probably awkward like you are but are outwardly douchebags. It's good you broke off from toxic people like your ex. Those people don't deserve you. Anyhow, since you're pressing a reset button, I don't know if my advice will be any help, but just let things come naturally to you and make sure you know who your friends are. If you don't get friends, perhaps wait until you're grouped with a more mature set of people at college who have to pay for their education so they take their education way more seriously.

Sammy
Posted on 08-10-17 11:20 AM (rev. 2 of 08-10-17 11:27 AM) Link | #85979
Posted by LeftyGreenMario
I don't know you too much in this community, but you're welcome here and I don't find you unpleasant.

-----

About anime, I also think that "weeb" attitude has got to stop. It's stereotyping to say the least. But it's the same thing; insecure people judging others because they have insecurities on their preferences, so perhaps they're projecting them. You'll have to keep that in mind. They're probably awkward like you are but are outwardly douchebags. It's good you broke off from toxic people like your ex. Those people don't deserve you. Anyhow, since you're pressing a reset button, I don't know if my advice will be any help, but just let things come naturally to you and make sure you know who your friends are. If you don't get friends, perhaps wait until you're grouped with a more mature set of people at college who have to pay for their education so they take their education way more seriously.


Thanks a bunch. I appreciate it :)

Yeah that school I was going to before gave me a ton of mental scars, both from my ex, dumbasses making me ashamed of liking anime, and that because of the school's incompetence it's gonna make school much more difficult than it should be. I typically don't have trouble making friends, fortunately, but I'm still paranoid as fuck about expressing my interests to anyone, especially considering the school I'll be going go will probably have some stuck up rich kids in it.

The sad thing is that I have to go to great pains in order to hide my interest in anime. I have to discard all my anime shirts, remove anything remotely Japanese from my computer, and I even have to buy a new wallet of all things because my current one is Fairy Tail themed.

Ugh.

EDIT: Oh yeah. On the plus side I did get into a really good school so I don't have to fear the possibility of having to to public school anymore.


Main - Serious discussion - Self loathing and paranoia New reply

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