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10-16-18 10:29 AM
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Main - Serious discussion - Why I can't wait to move the fuck out New reply

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StapleButter
Posted on 04-09-16 08:02 AM Link | #69591
in France, grades only matter for high-ranking school, go to univ or something like that and noone cares

same for getting a job, the recruiters don't care about your grades, and they're likely to test your skills in their own way anyway, because faked resumes are commonplace

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Sevrault
Posted on 04-09-16 09:47 AM Link | #69594
Posted by saltypepper
my mom is always disappointed when i get a B


my mom is always disappointed when i get an a-

heeeeeeelllllllllp

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salty
Posted on 04-09-16 02:35 PM Link | #69600
Also, no matter what, that one B always gets her mad.

even though all my other subjects are A but nooo she's gonna pay attention to the objectively "bad" one

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SuperMario64DS
Posted on 04-10-16 12:36 AM (rev. 2 of 04-10-16 12:39 AM) Link | #69629
I feel your pain.

My parents are never willing to be wrong. In the end their word was always absolute, and in any argument of differences or opinions I'd be the fault.

My mother, for instance, would form an idea/plan/opinion, and only by the luck of heaven could you change her mindset. She'd always have to think of it in some abstract concept - Her plans were always a "box" (With a bow!), and once they finished, you'd dare not even question the slightest detail, or introduce a new idea. She'd form opinions and live by them valiantly, even if they were flawed or baseless - Whether it was deciding that software used by millions didn't work (In cases being unwilling to learn how it worked), deciding Mrs. XYZ didn't like you because "..." 'reason', or "I've decided I have this health issue, so I do have this health issue" - you could not question anything she decided without being "disrespectful/defiant" and so forth.

My father was similar, but was more broadly "stubborn". Always parking in the same space, always doing the same thing periodically because it worked once 20 years ago. He could never be wrong in an argument, even if it was clear to any witness in the family that he had a bad day and snapped at someone. He was always right; period.

How does that affect my opinion of them? I become skeptical. No one can be right all the time, so either you're lying or something's wrong with you. How does this affect my relationship with them? The fact that I and several of my siblings have drawn this conclusion must mean that our relationship has something wrong to it. That's not a normal thing to think about a person, let alone your own parents.

I've tried expressing this to them, but I'm sure you can draw the conclusion in your head. I've never gotten to the depths of it.

I love my parents, and I respect their opinions, but sometimes it doesn't make sense. I don't know why they both, intentionally or not, have to be right about everything. I can't imagine having my own kids and never coming to a point where I'm wrong with them. I'd expect my kids to be smart, or respect them enough so that I consider their opinions before drawing a conclusion.

These circumstances made me want to leave.

Things may seem worse off initially, but once you're on your own you'll feel better and better about it if you make the right choices.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-10-16 08:15 AM Link | #69633
sometimes persons with low self-esteem compensate with their ego, and use that kind of mechanism to protect it -- "I'm always right, nothing can hurt my ego"


either that, or it's just that they're like those teachers who consider that "I'm teaching you so I'm smarter than you, period; any implication of the contrary is an insult"


either way it's a crappy mindset and it's no way to raise children

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Degolegodyl
Posted on 04-10-16 10:25 AM Link | #69635
Yeah everyone makes mistakes. People that are not willing to recognize them, even when it's evident that they are wrong or there is more than one answer to something, those people get me mad.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-10-16 02:07 PM Link | #69641
I have been dealing with such persons


let's just say that in general they end up banned, or they leave on their own and are surrounded by low-self-esteem idiots who will suck up to them and they throw out anyone else, ruling their little group like a dictatorship

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SGC
Posted on 04-10-16 02:28 PM (rev. 4 of 04-10-16 02:32 PM) Link | #69642
I've been dealing with people like that as well, but I won't name anyone. If a good chunk of the user base of a board considers them annoying, then they come up with some sort of bullshit to tell themselves, so they won't have to face their mistakes. I've attempted to help these kinds of people, but I've figured out that you can't. No matter how much evidence you show these kinds of people that their doing something wrong, they just shrug it off, and say something such as "Lol, stop making stuff up".

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LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 04-11-16 10:17 AM Link | #69660
Maybe they have some sort of inner uneasiness inside of them. My dad knows his mistakes. It's just that he never attempts to see a therapist or a psychiatrist because "lol chemiculz and big phurma" is when I conclude that he's arrogant and ignorant. It's hard to convince him because he's the one with all the power, physically too. I'm so scared of him, I don't talk to him. But he doesn't talk to me either.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-11-16 02:53 PM Link | #69674
situation: me in bed, half-sleepy, blargy, just wanting to be left alone

mom barges in and asks about my exams

I answer the strict minimum so she leaves me alone. But nooooooo, she decided to be an annoying twat either way.

her: "why are you answering like that? it sounds like you want to avoid me blahblahblahblah"

"uh, no, I'm just answering your questions"
"it's not cool that you answer like that, blahblahblah blahblahblah blahblah"

"OK guess what, you're right, I was trying to avoid you and your billion annoying questions"
"ok then just tell it already" implying she doesn't mind if I tell her that, followed by more blahblah that hints the contrary, like implications that the issue is all me being rude and antipathic and asocial and that no, she's not an annoyance.


after another pointless, "I'm not listening to your crap lol" argument, she finally leaves



guess what, mom

when I'm not in the best mood, being an annoying bitch about it doesn't magically make me all nice, it upsets me

and you can try this on 5000 other human subjects if you believe it's just me, pretty sure they'll respond in similar ways

(also, you're full of shit, but not something new)






as a clarification: mom asking me about my exams can be seen as a fairly normal thing

but my mom is terrible at conversation and is too much of a stubborn twat to realize it (I tried to point it out once and all I got was "boh you're mean :( ")

conversation with her follows two main possibilities:

1. I bore you to death with tales of my life at work (I know it's boring but I go on anyway lolol)
2. I inquire about you, which means asking a billion questions about your univ business (and possibly getting into it)
(3. actual non-boring conversation about something else, but not frequent)

making 2. the shortest and less painful possible is a fucking art: if your replies bring in new elements, she will ask you more questions about them, but if you don't reply with enough details, you get more questions too





beh. remind me why I want to move out, again? I'm sure that was some bullshit I made up while drunk, because I really enjoy staying home with mom.

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Baby Luigi
Posted on 04-11-16 03:51 PM Link | #69678
Does she even show any love to you?

StapleButter
Posted on 04-11-16 04:15 PM Link | #69683
well, yeah, although it could be hard to tell, the era of the child and mom hugging and all that is long gone because I have grown


and we can have regular conversation and get along well, as long as I'm in a good mood and we aren't touching work/univ topics

if I'm in a bad mood, she will want me to be like she wants, not quite catching on to the fact that social relations don't work that way and that I'm not 6 anymore

if she starts talking about her work, it's boring, even when she tries to tell us about something fun, because she adds a billion boring and pointless details instead of just getting to the point

and if he starts talking about my univ shit, she keeps reassuring me that "we are exchanging about that like adults and blahblahblah" but she WILL judge the effort I'm spending into it and the outcome according to her criteria (which are, as you already know, miles away from mine)

like I'm still a 6 year old. I don't fucking judge how she works her job. I don't badger her about how if she doesn't do it my way, she will get fired and we'll have trouble supporting ourselves.

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LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 04-11-16 05:07 PM Link | #69684
I'd say she's berating and nagging. She kind of sounds like my mom but my mom's a lot more forgiving and open to the stuff I do. When I try preparing food, my mom always likes to make suggestions and pus them. She's sometimes stubborn about it. The difference is that she realizes she's stubborn and she eventually lets me prepare food my way. Dad? Meh, he doesn't really care. He harshly criticizes what we're doing in the long term, and he only sometimes berates. He still treats us as small children, though.

Even I think I act like a child sometimes. My brother told me that I'm more of a child with mature moments than an adult with child-like moments. This really contrasts of how people saw me in RVLution and maybe here, too, where they keep saying I'm mature and smart. I'm so confused at how I see myself. I laugh at the simplest, weirdest and immature things like Wario getting Star KO'd, Mario getting electrocuted in Mario Strikers, Ganondorf making those KO noises, replacing the snow BGM in Newer Super Mario Bros. with rap music, Charles Martinet in general, putting Magic School Bus in everything, changing StapleButter's username to nonsense, and a lot of other stupid things. And since I laugh so often, it annoys both my brother and my dad since I'm so loud and "shrill" as my brother put it.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-11-16 05:49 PM Link | #69685
laughing at whatever thing doesn't mean you're immature, it means you have a sense of humor, being mature doesn't mean you have to suddenly become uptight and stop living


maturity is mostly defined by how well you do against real life things, ie. managing your money, your belongings, your time, taking responsibilities, those things, as well as for example how you react to failure, difficulty etc

and from what you're saying, you seem rather mature, I don't know in detail though, but your parents calling you "immature" can be bullshit they use to undermine your self-confidence and keep you under their control

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LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 04-11-16 06:41 PM Link | #69693
Oh man, I'm not that mature. I throw tantrums sometimes. I stop talking to dad after incidents with him, but it's mostly out of fear. I rant a lot when I'm upset. I cry a lot. I sometimes let my bad mood leak (though I realize I'm toxic sometimes). I have little understanding how to file taxes nor do I know how to handle insurance. I can't drive. I still play Mario plushies with my sister. I carry my toys around. My parents still do some cooking for me. I'm so sensitive. I accept criticism, but I often take things personally.

In terms of money, I get so worried about my lack of income that I'd rather go hungry than spend some, even though I have a little over $300 in the bank. I know that I won't get money at all in the future until Christmas or my birthday, except for quarters I salvage from Dad for the vending machines, but I don't make big purchases, but I feel a bit guilty for spending. I also feel guilty asking for money so I just don't. Even if it is for school replies. I know what response I'm going to get. "Why don't you get a job" "you're 21 years old now and you don't have an income, what's wrong with you" "I can't support you forever, I'm going to die soon".

Just asking, but do those responses sound like emotional manipulation to you? The problem is that I used to take them to heart because my dad's an authority figure. If it is emotional manipulation to undermine self-confidence, I think my dad's successful. I display a lot of lack of self-confidence in my messages do I?

My mom can't give me money. She literally has zero cash, but she does use a credit card, although Dad berates her a lot for it, and he even canceled credit cards before.

Enough about me though. Does your mom call you "immature"? It sounds like she does. Even though a child should respect his parent, the same goes the other way. If you do not wish to discuss to her about university stuff, she must respect your decision especially if she's so adamant about wanting you to act like a grown-up. If she is a real grown up, she will listen to you offer suggestions, get a discussion going, respect her kid's thoughts and choices. Or, it's her own insecurities: she's concerned that if you don't talk about it, then you won't grow up to be healthy and mature. It's like being worried that your daughter cut herself and she doesn't want to see a therapist. But... I think there's still a line drawn between being legitimately concerned and nagging and berating and being a pain in the ass.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-11-16 07:33 PM Link | #69697
doesn't sound like manipulation, you 'just' have an elitist dad

you usually manipulate persons to gain something from them, but I don't see what he would get from you that way (he wants you to live by yourself and what he's doing achieves the opposite of that so far)


you will need to gain self-confidence, not only to better shield you from your dad, but also to stand up for yourself in life; people with low self-esteem are easier targets for manipulation and such (and manipulation at work can lead you into really dire situations)

one way to go would be finding yourself a job, not only would you give your dad a big middle finger that way, but you'd learn a lot of useful things and gain money

there are other possible ways, even silly things; if you want you can PM me to know how I gained some self-confidence



mom doesn't call me immature, but, yeah. she doesn't realize when she's being a complete pain in the ass, and any attempt at bringing it up constructively is taken as a personal attack (or in the best case, may lead to agreements that she will forget in one month or so)

she is also sending opposite signals: "I want you to have a well-paying job and live by yourself etc" vs "I want to keep you under my control so I stay within my old role and don't see myself get old"

(or she just wants the whole process to go within her rails, "work this kind of job because it's the only well-paying one and the rest is trash")


I have tried to reassure my parents that I don't want to stay at their home forever (esp. not with mom), but no, they aren't going to trust it until they see it


and yeah, I tend to avoid some arguments and crap too. It's not that I fear them or whatever, but I know they're pointless. We lost count of how many arguments happened in this house, and yet does any damn thing change? Fuck no.

____________________
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communism

LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 04-12-16 08:13 PM Link | #69732
Well, he blames ME for it. He also struggles supporting our family. Maybe that's why he wants us to move out, so he doesn't have to support leeches (but why doesn't he kick me out, I guess because even he doesn't go that far). On the other hand, he does want me to succeed, he keeps saying that "it's your life, not mine, you're 21 now". So he's not exactly like your mom. He'll eventually give in. He's a control freak, but he's lenient on what we like to do, even though he used to berate us for going to community college for transferring instead of a 4-year university or even, I kid you not, taking a Japanese class (important fact: he's Chinese).

But, I know he's well-intentioned and inherently a good person so yeah, he's not knowingly manipulating my emotions. He MIGHT be unaware of it, though, such as when he's guilt-tripping. It's still a way of control, don't you think.

Posted by StapleButter
I have tried to reassure my parents that I don't want to stay at their home forever (esp. not with mom), but no, they aren't going to trust it until they see it

Exactly. And that's exactly how my Dad is too. I don't know if he even respects me or takes me seriously since he uses my ADHD and its development delay as a personal attack for my failures and hypothetical excuse I'd use for my failures and immaturity.

I think at 21, it's becoming more of a reality that college students are staying with their parents. Your mom lived in a different era where she could live off $400-500 in an apartment. That's nearly impossible today. Anyway, I'm speaking in U.S. terms, but I'd imagine rising expenses in France too. My mom DID live on her own at my age, but again, she was in an entirely different world, where college was actually affordable; i.e. tuition that isn't comparable to a freaking new car.

StapleButter
Posted on 04-19-16 09:03 PM Link | #69862
expenses are rising, debts are rising, CO2 is rising... let's just say that the shittiness of the world is rising along with human idiocy (humans don't get dumber but there are more of them)



fun thing that occured today:

mom invited her friend/colleague/whatever at home today, we were talking about whatever crap

then out of nowhere, a speech about "you should complete your studies, anything below 5 years is crap" along with one of her colleagues as an example (as typical)

that had no relation to what was being discussed prior, I even asked her about it and no real answer


again, the typical "you can't survive if you don't work the same kind of job as me" crap

and all those people who are working other jobs that pay less, how do you think they're surviving? they don't live in the streets

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communism

Degolegodyl
Posted on 04-19-16 10:38 PM Link | #69865
Remember. There is minimum wage for a reason. You might not live like a king but at least you'll have enough to support yourself. Maybe not a family, but you can support yourself. Besides, I hear France is a lot like Canada when it comes to welfare, as in, people that have low paying jobs are treated well and have same rights, etc. Is that true?

LeftyGreenMario
Posted on 04-20-16 11:14 AM Link | #69867
Minimum wage isn't exactly sustainable. Also, it's not keeping pace with inflation. It's why in California (at least), we've got a passed bill that will raise minimum wage gradually rise to $15 to 2022. Current minimum wage is $10.00 as of January of this year.
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Main - Serious discussion - Why I can't wait to move the fuck out New reply

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